finding my place in a world??? making my place in the world

 for those that don't know, i don't and have never considered myself a "blogger".  for almost 20 years, i've been writing on blogspot.  anything from random thoughts to heartfelt essays, i've done on here.  within time, blogging has expanded allowing a new generation to be able to create a new lane that has changed shit up from what it used to be.  20 years ago, i've always felt that the "powers that be" were pushing more and more humans to be "into" the internet or live on it.  basically to put ourselves and our lives on there where we overshare our business so that it could be used for data mining, tracking, surveillance and basically a bunch of agendas that weren't for us civilians.  for me, this was a double edge sword, the internet served as a safe zone where i could express myself anonymous or at least have a buffer away from the reality that i couldn't exactly express myself in.  i didn't have the courage or the resources to go to a therapist or a mental health practitioner for my issues.  so it was just spill my guts onto blogspot as a form of venting and just feeling posting.  i also decided that i needed to share my blog so i did the quickest method, shared it with an online community that i frequented, SOHH which transformed into what we know today as THE COLI.  that turned out to be a mistake because they misunderstood what i was doing.  but back to THE COLI/SOHH, that was one of the many safe zones that i used.  a digital universe away from my real life that i would vent to and would try to connect with people because in reality or offline, i wasn't really socializing much outside of my little circle which has grown even smaller as i've gotten older.  

for the record, i'm pushing closer to 40 but with that said, i still have a bit of a youthful spirit energy wise mentally.  i still have a lot of things that i want to accomplish or put my energy into that i think is important.  the reason for this post was i was thinking about how at this moment i feel STRONG when in reality, the situation that i am in should be making me nervous, should be scaring the shit out of me, should be making me suicidal or at least that's what i feel like it is SUBCONSCIOUSLY.  i feel that in my mind but i am telling myself to keep it together.  that "I GOT THIS".  

i'm seeing the reality of what pushing yourself to keep going despite not being 100 percent is out here.  truth is every day, i'm seeing more suicides or people giving up because they don't think they have a place in the world.  for whatever reason it is, they just woke up or just in a second that they had no place in the world anymore that they had to step off of it.  i see this shit regularly on the internet.  then going outside and seeing ads from state to state and i BELIEVE i saw it when i was overseas too, suicide hotlines with the man or woman with face in palm as a symbol of "DON'T PUSH ME CAUSE I'M CLOSE TO THE EDGE".  i look on the internet and it's just reminders.  look on yahoo and they have someone who is "usually" an "influencer" or some "social media content maker" or whatever the fuck dead at 20, 30, 40, or whatever number from suicide.  go to another website like some new york news that isn't the daily news or new york post and then see some article about the subway being delayed because someone got hit by a train or "police activity".  look elsewhere like reddit or on tv, more suicides and basically shit that in my case, really hits a SORE spot that i don't want to be bothered to face or even recognize.

so i'll say it, i'm NOT suicidal but i've thought about it and the reasons why aside from depression is that i've thought to myself that i wasn't good enough.  i felt like as a person to myself that i didn't have the likeable qualities that i saw other people have that MADE them be able to interact with people smoothly and have people want to BE around them.  plus i saw that those people that did that were able to like themselves enough where they were confident.  THEY BELIEVED IN THEMSELVES and yet for the longest time, I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN MYSELF.  i didn't think i had it.  i tend to look at other people to see some sort of validation to make myself for comfortable.  with me admitting all this, i'm slowly learning to love myself in terms of realizing that "I DO HAVE IT".   i'm beginning to believe in myself a lot more where i just feel that i need the space to allow myself to manifest into the person that i WANT to be.  to be my highest potential because I BELIEVE IN MYSELF OR SEE THE POTENTIAL OR THE VISION OF WHAT I CAN BECOME IF I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE.  but it's hard to do that around people who hold themselves back because they're AFRAID.  i used to be very paranoid worrying about what other people thought about me because to myself, i couldn't handle being disrespected by other people.  i would get TRIGGERED when i thought someone was laughing at me when i would walk past them or whatever due to some of my past experiences where i've been humiliated by other people on some disrespectful shit.  i had to seek therapy for that to snap out of that mindset.  

but with that said, to anybody out there that cares to read this that too is struggling to find their place in the world.  take it from me.  don't FIND your place in the world.  MAKE YOUR PLACE IN THE WORLD.  CREATE IT.  BOREDOM has made me really think about it all.  it's up to ME to MAKE IT HAPPEN.  it's ME that holds me back.  with that said, it's about learning how to control yourself to be able to manifest your energy to move to a higher zone where you can evolve while learning how to maintain the self.  

criticism is needed to become better.  i guess what i'm saying through all of this is i'm learning how to be strong or how to survive with my insecurities and demons where i see light at the end of the tunnel.  age just builds STRENGTH.   HANG IN THERE.